Stone the Heir
A novel of Wonders and Brightness
by
Ronald M. Young PhD
the mad scientist of comedic fantasy
I, Z. Hud Twadder, being a man of various interests thought to take meself into yon woods one murmuring and humming day last Spring, thinking to meself that I could perhaps find some type of merry entertainment therein, for I had worked long and hard through the cracking Winter and needed a little relaxer.
So truly I did betake meself into said green wonders and began to wander thereabouts. Thinking of nothing special but merely twiddling and twaddling through the goodly green cover and strumming birds and beasties of all variations and profusions I could not help but gradually be overcome with ideas of the wonders of Nature. So thinks I, becoming somewhat pleased with myself, I should indeed have brought a buxom village mate with me into this lovely place. I was, if you will accept my word as a gentleman, not without my share of goodly bedmates in yon village.
With only the twirking of the birds and gwabling of a small brook I thought to meself to discard my shoes and twiddle my toes in said brook and wondrous twas the pleasure in so doing. With my toes cooling in the crystalline brook I flopped onto my back to watch the busy clouds and many-colored birds swooping through the blue sky. Much to my amazement I didst see a male addle-necked trickster, his blue and yellow feathers flashing in the sunlight and a species rare in our climes. Seeing me there by the brook he let out a raucous squawk and zoomed over the trees. And there twas a wonderful congregation of red-capped dickychicks,never flying straightly but in elegant swoops as was their wont and always feeding while hanging upside down, making swallowing that much easier I do imagine. But I must desist from these ornithological wanderings for my toes are wonderfully cool and I do have a mighty tale to tell.
Now this next part of my story, good and faithful Reader, will perhaps be a test of your credibility but surely you may rest that what I write here is true and truly true. I didst betake myself, after completing my rest to get out of the woods for fear the approaching night wouldst make me lost. As I arose my foot caught on something protruding from the earth and before I knew what was about I plunged into the brook. Blowing with great might I surfaced above the wet waters and found that I was sitting firmly on the bottom of said stream with only my head showing above the traveling surface. I looked to the bank hoping to see what had tripped me and did see at once the offending protrusion which looked like a bit of weathered wood or perhaps an old hide sticking up. I raised myself and plushed up the bank. I bent over the object and found that it was indeed the corner of an old hide of some sort, stiff and discolored with age. On one side of the corner I could see marks of some sort. At once I found me a large stick with which I began to grunge out the object. I grunged and did grunge and finally after some great efforts by my tired body I jerked the object into my hands. I turned at once to carry the object to the brook to wash it off but my foot didst catch in the hole just grunged and with a mighty lurch I went zirming through the air to land with a great squonch in the middle of the frabbing brook. So, again, there I sat with my head protruding from the waves my entry had made and settling with great deliberation into a hole in the bottom. But I was pretty excited by my find so, paying little attention to that part of me that wanted to stomp on the hole I had dug and the waters until dead, I clung desperately to the the parchment, as the waters threatened to squwig them from my grasp. Getting my wits more about me I did once again quosh up the bank of the stream and, clutching the object of all my travails, I fumbled my way through the woods and towards my home.
I rushed to my room, lighted a candle and opened the first of what was to become many pages of old hide, which for those of you of a scientifc bent were about 3.89754607 hantems long and 4 whims high when full opened.
No one can imagine my shock and amazement when I realized I could read what was on the old hides for the writing twas in a script of our olden times which I had learned on my great grandfather's knee enfolded in his arms with the smell of tobacco smoke and wood shavings and which he
had, in turn, learned from his grandfather's grandfather. So now, all these years later, I came to understand his quiet voice when he said “the voices of the People must be heard."
And this, Beloved Reader, is what they said word for word.
Translator's Prologue
"....full of wit and adventure....filled with joy and goodwill....Most impressive is the author's manipulation of language, some invented, some re-envisioned in new and surprising ways....brilliantly accessible and experiential....for those who love fantasy, romance and political satire....a joyful romp but one that provides genuine insight and reflection....a wonderful first novel, we can only hope there will be many more."
I.M.Ritterbrown, Vice President of Instruction, C. I. O., Glendale College, Los Angeles
"....a marvelous book, we passed it around our family to howls of laughter....the funniest book I've ever read....the humor is so far out in left field, quirky and completely original that it can't be described....strong underlying themes of gentleness towards and respect for women, peace among nations, respect for differences between cultures and an enduring love of creatures of all species, a trait which no doubt is a function of the author being a biological scientist....strongly recommended."
Celeste Brown, Graphic Artist & Designer ret.
"....travels through fantastical earthy realms....broad humor, social satire and original, inventive language....free reign in a world devoid of original sin where sex is an innocent natural life force and a great source of playful fun....Stone the Heir, a Novel of Wonders and Brightness is the most original novel I've ever read and clearly a 5 star effort by this first time author."
F. Audier, dual citizen, France & the United States
REVIEWS
I grew up in a small farming village in the beautiful lake country of Minnesota, pitching bales of hay in the summers for pocket money and customizing my 1959 Chevy. This was the age of early Elvis, rock and roll and drive in movies. I completed my BS and MS degrees at Utah State University, worked for a summer at the Bernice P. Bishop Museum in Honolulu and completed my PhD With Honors in systematic entomology at Purdue University. During one memorable night in West Lafayette, we grabbed our two Siamese cats and and bolted into a tunnel under the university while a tornado roared overhead; certainly a night never forgotten.
As an entomologist I've published numerous papers in refereed scientific journals, in the process discovering and naming 10 species of scarabs new to science. As a Professor of Biological Sciences & Museum Studies, I've been a faculty member at universities in Michigan, Nebraska and Texas. My first love is museums and I was fortunate enough to work as a Research Associate at the Nebraska State Museum - a place of many natural history wonders - and the Museum of Northern Arizona in Flagstaff.
I've done field work in the cloud forests of Panama and Costa Rica, running light traps in the rain forest at night to collect insects while listening to the roars of the howler monkeys, and where you’re just about guaranteed to have some unexpected adventures of the biological sort. Mine were a foot long poisonous millipede crawling across my boot and a rare look at a beautiful 10 foot anaconda..
"Stone the Heir": a Novel of Wonders & Brightness" is my third novel, the first two going into the recycling bin. Being used to the rigor and strictures of scientific writing, creative writing gives me a real sense of freedom; I feel that all things are possible, as indeed they are in the fantasy genre. I hope that folks will have as much fun reading my novel as I had writing it.
I live with my wife, numerous rescued cats and a Great Dane in Cody, Wyoming.
Author's Biography
This is a fantasy novel, but one that takes another road as it is refreshingly free of magic swords, scantly clad big busted women and evil hordes of darkness threating humankind. Written in archaic language with many invented words, Stone the Heir is, as the subtitle promises, a Novel of Wonders and Brightness. Stone is Heir to a race of kindly giants called the Gentlefriends; at the direction of His Father, King Pistil He sets out with His two Companions, Throw a common man and Autumn, a mouse of the fields to visit the Nations with a message of peace. Their travels - indeed the entire novel - is filled with truly mad humor, Rabelaisian adventures and strong underlying themes of intercultural harmony, respect for women and love af all living things. The 64 startling characters detailed below will keep you on your toes; if your looking for a warm, funny and exciting read, completely unlike any other book you've ever read, start here.
The Book
Z. Hud Twadder ---- discoverer and translator of the ancient records of the
Gentlefriends
OF THE NATION OF THE GENTLEFRIENDS
Rice ---- King and Father of King Pistil
Pistil ---- King and Father of Stone
Stone ---- Pistil’s Son and Heir to the Throne
Above ---- God
Ram ---- first of the Gentlefriend’s lineage
Brother Smartass ---- early metaphysician of the Gentlefriend’s
Breeze ---- Ram’s wife
Anther ---- King Pistil’s Wife, Queen and Mother of Stone
Father Infinities Pedant ---- Great teacher of the Land
Sir Burgontwo ---- Royal Cooker
Sir Bucketclank ---- Royal Cooker
Master Slushands ---- cook’s helper and later Royal Cooker
Right Honourable Mad Isoceles Pure ---- Court Mathematician
Dr. Rush Moneymoney ---- Court Physician
Lord Strutjaw ---- Master of the Lords of the Court
Lord Thrustup ---- Lord of the Court
Lord Virgincud ---- Lord of the Court
Lord Krinchdill ---- Lord of the Court
Lord Thundergut ---- Lord of the Court
Lord Bustagut ---- Speaker of the Court and Grand Blower of the Land
Autumn ---- Stone’s Companion, a mouse of the fields
Master Prick-A-Quick ---- Royal Sewer
Master Stichasticha ---- Royal Sewer, a weaver
Brother Stearnyearn ---- a devout young man of religion
Flint ---- Stone’s great male dog
Amethyst ---- Stone’s great female dog
Whitewater ---- Stone’s horse, a buckskin
Master Skinchpenny ---- owner of a roadside inn, Father of Dusk
Dusk ---- Daughter of Master Skinchpenny, ½ Gentlefriend and ½ a
woman of the East
Throw ---- Companion of Stone the Heir, a common man
Lord Grunchsnurd ---- Court Treasurer
Master Fulminating Chords ---- Renowned Teacher of the Land
Master Obligatory Reckoning ---- Treasurer for Raising the Monmon Birds
King Crackle Nash ---- King of the Monmon Birds
Master Other Top Cheeser ---- Caretaker of the Monmon Birds
Monmon Birds ---- A Tribe of Mystical Birds Prized for Their Down
Winnowing ---- Daughter of a Grower in Teraka
OF THE NATION OF THE WEES
King Horizon ---- King of the Wee Nation
Vista ---- King Horizon’s Son and Heir to the Throne
Master Fulminating Chords ---- Town Crier and Keeper of the Doogs
Orchid ---- Daughter of Master Fulminating Chords
Murmur ---- Daughter of King Horizon
Queen Susurrus ---- deceased Queen of the Wee Nation
OF THE NATION OF THE FRABS
Post ---- Village Sentinel
Granite ---- Elder of the Village
Lord Internal Composition ---- magician
Crystal ---- woman who cares for Stone when injured
Hard Immovable ---- Crystal’s Father
Alabaster ---- woman with Throw during the Making of the Robes
Of the Nation of the Anhydrous Pricklers
Modulation ---- woman who discovers Stone, Throw and Autumn in the
dessert
King Effulgent Resplendence ---- King of the Anhydrous Prickler Nation
Queen Shimmering ---- Queen of the Anhydrous Prickler Nation
Incandescence ---- Heiress to the Throne
Father Ethereal Grip ---- Court Elder and a Man of Wisdom
Daystar ---- God
Lord Lustrous Always ---- Lord of the Court, a young man
Lord Elucidated Clear ---- Lord of the Court, a man of great age
Lord Pellucid Acumen ---- Lord of the Court, a man of kindness to all
Master Passionate Comestible ---- Appointed Preparer of the Sustenance
Captain Acerb ---- Captain of the Ship Dolphin
Of the Nation of the Hypogean Perfused Sudatorials
King Saturated Sapient ---- King of the Sudatorial Nation
Cetacean ---- God
Dew ---- Guide to the City
Sir Delineate Nurture ---- Chief Engineer
Petite Manumission ---- Guide to Stone, Throw and Autumn
Cast of Characters
Chapter 13. On Stone and his Company upon the road and how they didst stop at an Inn along
the way; furthermore concerning the young woman that the Heir didst meet.
Chapter 14: On how Stone and Dusk didst come together with a proper goodness and furthermore
on how they didst set up a most wondrous eruptions of men and hogs.
Chapter 15: On the strange result of the flying copulators of Dusk and Stone; also furthermore on
how Stone didst learn another lesson in the ways of playing the times of hot caring.
Chapter 16: On how Stone and his entourage completed their journey to the City.
Chapter 17: On the establishment of a pact betwixt Stone and Throw.
Chapter 18: On how Stone and Throw didst find themselves more pleasing habitations and on the
hiring of a maid by Throw; furthermore some details concerning the Day of the
Popping Cobbles.
Chapter 19: On how Stone didst find a maid to his liking and on how the Companions didst strain
their beans to become like the most learned men of the City; furthermore on the
nature and wonder of the mind of the Right Honourable Father Infinities Pedant.
Chapter 20: On the terrible testing which wast given to Stone and Throw by the Master; further-
more on how Stone wast come upon by Mignon.
Chapter 21: On the Great Quietness which didst come over the habitation of the Heir and his
Companion for a time; furthermore on the recoveries that all the inhabitants of said
place didst go through.
Chapter 22: On receiving a most unexpected missive from King Pistil, also on the coming of the Royal Thundering.
Chapter 23: On the journey of Stone and Throw to the Hamlet of Teraka; also concerning Stone's
unusual activities therein with King Crackle Nash; furthermore on the interesting events
which didst overtake Brother Stearnyearn in said Hamlet .
A SHORT SAMPLE OF CHAPTER HEADINGS FOR THY INTRIGUEMENT AND EDIFICATION
amazon.com/author/gab.421 (hardback & kindle)
amazon.com.uk>Books>Fiction>Erotica (Britain)
www.barnesandnoble.com/w/stone-the-heir (hard cover)
netgalley.com>stone the heir (archived)
goodreads.com/book/show/24676289-stone-the-heir (kindle)
ebay.le/itm/NEW-stone-the-heir (Europe, Australia)
@RonaldMYoung1
A Final Note from thy Translator, Z. Hud Twadder concerning the Discovery of a
Little Known but Important Truth
So, my Reader, I have come to the end of my tale from another time, a time of wonders and brightness. Surely it was the intent of Above that I trip over these ancient hides and was thereby thrown into the gwabling brook, for had I not, the tale of Stone the Heir and His Nation, the Gentlefriends, would have been lost to the tides of history.
But the wonders have not yet run their course I find, for I have, in the box in which I keep these records, many more pages of these old hides, and though they are worn with time and occasionally illegible, most can be read and translated as I have done for Stone the Heir and His People. I have a piece of glass which is rare and found only in the distant mountains which makes writing appear larger and which enabled me to translate Stone the Heir. The first page of the remaining parchment reads as follows:
From these records of my (illegible) many may think the Gentlefriends a Nation only of the past. Yet I bespeak truthfully to thee that there 'tis more yet to tell, for today, in a place (illegible) the earth which remains ours, a land of shading trees, fields of multicolored flowers visited by butterflies and singing birds, all of which we care for most diligently, for they belong and bring us pleasure and happiness; in this land we live, we li
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